ambientbuzz: October 2007

This is what a quarter-life crisis feels like...

So I have been out of school for a few months and I have no idea what to do with myself. For the first month or so I had no idea what to do with all my free time. When I came home from work I would normally rush right to school or immediately start homework but now I don't have jack shit to do. In the past few years I've forgotten how to read for fun, I've forgotten how to clean my house when I'm not avoiding homework, I've forgotten how to call up a friend and go get a leisurely drink in the evening. This is totally ridiculous. I'm freaking 25 years old and I don't know how to be a 25 year old. In my family and frankly in my life I have always been the responsible one or the one who will eat ramen noodles if I have bills to pay. I literally DO NOT know how to be irresponsible. Needless to say, I don't know how to act my freaking age.

This entire life crisis was brought about when I was chatting with my interns at work and they were talking about their plans after they graduate over the next couple quarters. Here these kids are only a few years younger then me and are totally planning to throw caution to the wind and go gallivanting around Europe for like 8 weeks with no thought whatsoever to bills or responsibilities. This literally makes me break out in hives, yet at the same time makes me incredibly jealous because I know I would never throw caution to the wind like that.

I have never been irresponsible. I honestly don't know how to do it. After talking with the interns I started looking at going on an impromptu vacation and everything I considered doing just wasn't logically feasible--or was it? Was it just simply that it is so outside my comfort zone that it immediately becomes illogical? For example, there was a great deal to fly to Washington D.C. this weekend for $199. Granted, I would be going by myself because no one I know could up and go at this time because they are still in school or have family obligations or they aren't going through the same series of crises that I am, but rather then booking it I decided I couldn't do it... I had absolutely nothing planned this weekend out of the ordinary but just arbitrarily decided it wouldn't work. Washington D.C. is someplace I definitely want to go to as well, so in hindsight it is a great example to look at and try to discern what my deal is...

This sort of all feels like a big bitch and whine fest but frankly whatever, sometimes I guess everyone needs to have it. I have never been outside the United States and never really did anything big to celebrate my graduation from UCSB, which was a really long time coming. I can’t really afford to take that big trip most graduates do because I actually am an adult with actual adult bills, and I don’t have the family members who give you thousands of dollars for graduation gifts. I luckily have parents, Rob and Karlene whom I adore who instead gave UCSB thousands of dollars in the form of tuition so I wouldn’t have to take out loans or just quit school and for that I am eternally grateful. I have an amazing boyfriend whom I adore and can’t imagine life without, yet at the same time with him I also get a ready made family which makes the thought of being irresponsible even more ridiculous. I adore Kevin’s sons and wouldn’t trade them for anything, let alone a trip to anywhere, yet at the same time I wonder if I’ve missed my opportunity to be that irresponsible youth where your indiscretions are inevitably excused by all those who love and care for you.

All in all, at the end of this rambling let it be known… even if (and I know I have been) I have been very very grumpy and hard to deal with, I love you Kevin and I love Daniel and Glenn to the ends of the earth. I love my baby sisters and my increasingly spoiled and “embracing her terrible two’s” niece Abbagale, I love my Mom for being helpful recently, I love Rob and Karlene for all that they have done and continually do, I love all my extended family for being there and hopefully trying to keep in touch. Very importantly, I love all my friends who I don’t always talk to very often but I adore all the same—there are far too many of you to name and I would inevitably miss someone.

I also love my dog Cooper who only poops on my carpet randomly rather then daily which is a SERIOUS improvement. He cuddles really amazingly though so he makes the cut!!!